


map of my soul

by outersuga



Category: Original Work
Genre: Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Other, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-22 23:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30046128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outersuga/pseuds/outersuga
Summary: This entire work will basically be a place where I post my texts. I don't like to call them poems, they're just my mind on a screen. If anyone reads this, I hope you enjoy it, but make sure to read the tags. Not all of them fit all the chapters, so I'll put warnings in every chapter.
Kudos: 2





	1. serendipity

are you a gift from the universe?  
it feels like we're miles away as a joke on us  
i wish i could travel around the world, say i'm curious  
look for you, live with you, hold your hand under the blessing of the moon  
i wish i could take you around the world too

how was it that we found each other  
in this big blue planet where we're lost and scared to bother  
i can find the ocean inside your black eyes,  
they pull me in and i've never wanted to drown this bad  
i can find the breath of fresh air in your laughs and your jokes,  
so why am i insecure over these simple notes? 

this playlist will keep playing on loop  
i cant really stop myself from memorizing this hook  
you feel exactly like serendipity to me  
you feel exactly like the calming hands of the universe before i go to sleep

and i wish my sleeping schedule could match yours  
we should be living closer, should be living next door  
why are you so far away, i just want to hold your hand  
maybe kiss you a few times, maybe some other ten 

oh why oh why oh why are you far  
my pretty little blue star?  
oh where does your love end and mine starts? 

say once again you love me dearly  
say once again my name as you laugh so prettily  
i am falling again, choosing you once again,  
it's definitely you if choosing i can do

please don't get tired of me,  
please don't let go of my weird stained heart  
i know i'm not always the best at conversation  
but ill be the best in loving you and taking care of your heart 

do you think you can trust me? do you think i could hold it?  
it's what i always wanted, and i love you 300  
ways more then i did before


	2. my way through the brightest soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little words for bts.
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).

you're the blue ocean waves on the shore  
and the Saturday evenings i had before   
the gentle breeze against my face on a sunny day  
and the sweet words that you're used to say 

you're also the bodies moving at the dance floor  
the smooth driving around a beautiful shore   
and the deepest hugs after some longing   
with a touch of happiness i've been wanting 

you're the calmness i need, and the persistence i want  
the longing, saudades, i have, and the loving we need  
it is all within you, and you set it free for the world to see   
it is all a mix of us, something i'm glad we can be.

what a beautiful thing to have you here,  
i'm glad we can share this story, dear...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> —for bts,   
> my way through the brightest path
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).


	3. painting the moon blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tiny spots of blue in me.
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).

i would do anything for you,  
i hope you can love me like i love you  
i asked about your favorite color  
you said you loved blue like no other 

so i'm thinking about you  
thinking about painting the moon blue   
so whenever it's day i can see you the skies  
and when the moon is up high i see you in the night 

so i'm thinking about you  
and painting the moon blue  
so wherever we are we can look at the stars   
and i can see your smile even when we're apart

4am has always been good to me  
the late night talks i don't wanna share   
and the whispered words we had on our chests   
it was so much easier to be bare 

we exchanged our hearts   
and connected our souls  
created playlists like our own pots of gold  
we knew our goals...

it's weird to say that i already trust you?   
it's been so long i thought i'd never find someone new  
i thought my time had gone through 

\--

i love the smell of the rain,   
the words aren't in vain  
no pain no pain  
please remain  
away from my brain  
i certainly entertain  
the idea of falling.

entertain? more like entertained,  
because now it's a fact, a simple react  
to your ways and your eyes,  
your smiles and your 'hi's  
your laugh and your goodbyes.

this is free fall, i'm not hurt  
this is free fall, my own choice  
this is me asking and begging,  
waiting for it, waiting for you  
lets hope you catch me. 

\--

the cold breeze that hits you  
the slow waves on the beach  
the sound of the rain on the rooftop  
and the rays of the sun on your skin

the feelings i have and the feelings you do   
the feelings i want to show to you   
i hope you can see in the commas and reticences of my love   
the amount that grows in between the characters  
and overflows on spaces 

\--

the energy and the voice   
it's all you  
you're a gift and a serendipity,  
my forever universe within the stars i can count in your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).


	4. cycles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of anxiety and depression, and slight suicidal thoughts (just a verse at the end).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of anxiety and depression, and slight suicidal thoughts (just a verse at the end).
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).

when are you leaving?   
who am i even talking to   
who am i trying to save?   
is it me or my paranoia?   
is it my depression?  
or my anxiety? 

change the disk,   
what makes you think  
i will believe anything   
that you're saying? 

change the disk,  
it doesn't make sense, stop it.  
no more of the same excuses,  
no more of the same uses  
you had of them over this situation.

but hey, wait  
is it really an excuse?  
do you think i want to be like this?   
do you think i want to stay all day like this?   
do you think i want to cry and just lie  
and lay as my mind sways,  
as my mind keeps count of the days  
that passed  
and the things i've said...

wait, really  
wait for just a second,  
i cant breathe cause i keep running  
and they told me to stop running for nothing  
but is it really nothing?  
when will i reach paradise? when will i speak like that?  
when will it sound like i have died and reborn?   
cause sometimes i can't take this   
and sometimes if feels like i'm drowning  
and i remember the Bring Me song i used to sing out loud  
it didn't make sense back then, i didn't feel like that back then  
but now i do, it feels like it could swallow me whole  
it could kill me or hurt me or both,  
it could just hold me hostage like it already does.  
(but i don't want to admit)

and i remember the comic i read a few days ago,  
i should say the name out loud,   
say it so it could go away,  
so i could fight it and then i would be the one to stay,  
but i can't say it and i can't fight it  
all i can do i cry about it  
make silence so i'll hear it eating me alive  
make noise so it'll drown out my crying  
and feel tempted to just ...  
just not be there anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).


	5. let it burn

sorry i fell for you,  
i'm sorry for everything i do...   
keep saying sorry until i can't no more   
and you won't take me seriously anymore. 

it's fine cause i need some time to move on   
but seeing you with him makes it hard to hold on   
the tears and the hurt the fucking everything,   
i keep holding back but my heart ain't listening. 

i cant stop crying over something that never was   
and you can't stop lying about this just because   
i think you don't feel a thing for me anymore  
it just hurts cause you would've told me before 

now it's another lesson to learn  
once again i'll just let it burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).


	6. keep begging

it's a new year and i'm still begging for love  
in my eyes and my tweets and my half built phrases to make you wonder why the fuck am i crying in the middle of the night   
but you don't (does anyone ever?)  
and i keep begging, going after you, trying to make you see, trying to make you look  
it seems like i'm desperate, which i kind of am, and i won't lie   
but it's not only to be loved, it's to be loved by you

we didn't have a spoken promise, i guess, we just had... us   
and us was our promise  
but i guess you broke it off because you didn't want anymore  
and that's fine, but without a warning...   
isn't a bit too much? 

my chest hurts a lot, and my eyes sting as i hold back tears   
once again i don't want to cry over it,  
and make namjoon's song about you,  
because i'll know why and i'll know how much i can take  
and that's nothing anymore

i'm tired, i'm sorry  
please don't blame me  
i already do.  
just understand i'm tired  
and you probably are too  
i just though it would take longer  
maybe until after we met  
until you couldn't look at me in the eyes   
and hate me over something i said.

i'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).


	7. shitstorm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was pretty intense to write, i was overthinking and on the verge of an anxiety attack, so please be careful here as it mentions things like being hard to breath, dying and the general rhythm/way of writing kind of simulates an intense flow of thoughts.

why can't i breathe?   
why can't i fucking breathe?   
why can't i live?   
why can't i go on without people  
why do i have to be so dependent   
why do i need to hurt myself  
go back to the same place  
same people  
same hurting  
cover and over  
not breathing   
no i can't   
no this is so much on my chest   
there's so much campling down on me   
there's so much pressing me and my chest  
making me forget the words said  
making me forget why i regret   
going back to them every single time  
it's only stress  
and i forget   
because being away is good but then i let go of the bad stuff  
and i forget i forget i forget  
why can't i forgive but not forget  
i always forget  
always regret  
always try to open my chest  
there no air  
there no fucking air  
this is bad this is so bad  
so sad  
so much regret  
like it sticks to my lungs   
to the walls of me my being  
of my insides  
clogs the way  
oxygen can't come in  
like it tells me   
you'll kill yourself if you keep doing it  
why do i forget  
why do i forget and regret?   
but most importantly  
why when i forget  
i cant move on and live something else?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).


	8. good pretender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was also pretty intense to write, i was overthinking and on the verge of an anxiety attack, so please be careful here as it mentions things like being hard to breath, dying and the general rhythm/way of writing kind of simulates an intense flow of thoughts.trigger warning for mentions of anxiety and depression, and slight suicidal thoughts.

it is suffocating, you know?   
maybe you shouldn't be   
maybe it shouldn't be   
maybe i was just meant to live   
but then again i'm not   
it's not   
alive   
or being  
that is.  
an animal,   
a dream,  
a nightmare?   
reality?   
lets be honest, it's all the same.  
they're all connected like we all are  
and how i am to things i don't want to be.  
like sadness  
and the people over the roads  
or you.  
and sadness keeps coming back, i don't think it'll ever go away...  
go. please just do.  
it suffocates me too.  
people over the roads are never here,  
always too far physically   
to be here enough for me to ok mentally   
and i can't blame them for that,  
but i can blame them for forcing themselves back  
for forcing something that won't happen  
and i will blame myself for letting it.

and you.  
you who lives lurking around,  
making my heart pound,  
making me lose my breathe in the worst way...  
you.  
stepping on me and suffocating me,  
not letting me breath.  
you forcing yourself on me,  
forcing your mind on mine and your words on my mouth and your beliefs in my routine.  
i am not this person you're telling me i am.  
i should not be scared.  
i should not be afraid  
i should not be someone else.  
i should not be submissive to your ways.  
and it's breathtaking in the worst way too,  
that i have to keep proving myself,  
that i have to be word proof.  
i'm not,  
i might pretend,   
said that steve aoki song   
"i am a good pretender,   
i'm not really cool   
i'm a good pretender   
cause i'm just like you"  
and yes, sometimes i think i am.   
like you.  
but i'm not.  
i could never be this cruel and cold  
and hurting to other people  
when i've known the pain and the amount of times i'm short of breath,  
when i've seen the marks this has left me.  
when i still feel the sadness controlling me.  
when i still cry at night because it will never be enough.   
it won't, right? it'll never be enough.   
exactly because i'm not you.   
gladly so.  
but it should be enough.   
it's sad and scary and i sometimes want you to win  
i want you to smile that infuriating smile,  
the one you wear on victory days,  
while i cry and pretend i'm fine,  
pretend everything's alright and i'm not on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump and di(v)e.  
but sometimes i just want to win myself.  
not win. win myself. have myself back,   
have the liberty to be  
have to liberty to believe   
and breathe.  
be me.  
be.  
live.  
alive.  
me. 

and i have so much left to say,  
so much making me pause to breathe deeper, the air not coming to me,  
but ill let you on the verge of your sit,   
waiting for a reveal.  
one that won't come, but you held your breathe, rising you?  
how does it feel to suffocate now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).

**Author's Note:**

> hey, you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/outersuga).


End file.
